Jim GaffiganI only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.373Sadness
Jim GaffiganActually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.341Love
Jim GaffiganI guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal?… ▶353Life
Jim GaffiganHow'd we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dun… ▶343Thought
Jim GaffiganImagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.343Hope
Jim GaffiganWhenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you. ✨ FaceBook post byJim Gaffigan from Apr 24, 2012367Reading
Jim GaffiganFailing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent. ✨ Jim Gaffigan (2013). Dad Is Fat, p.25, Crown Archetype379Humor
Jim GaffiganThere is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea. ✨ Profile: Jim and Jeannie Gaffigan by Philip David Morton, www… ▶358Hope
Jim GaffiganPeople treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be cate… ▶281HumanityPolitics
Jim GaffiganReally, there are two types of people who go bowling. There are people who really, really love bowling. Then there are the people that are like: wouldn't it be hysterical if we w… ▶358HumanityLove
Jim GaffiganThanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day… ▶358Humanity
Jim GaffiganWhen people look and decide they have nothing in common with me - I'm 43, balding, blond, whatever - there's something absolutely invigorating about winning them over. Even if it'… ▶326Humanity
Jim GaffiganWhenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moro… ▶315Thought
Jim GaffiganOne of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied. ✨ FaceBook post byJim Gaffigan from Jul 01, 2013359Reading
Jim GaffiganI usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.272Humanity
Jim GaffiganWhat was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook … ▶3510Thought
Jim GaffiganI'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.261Thought
Jim GaffiganHow dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water. ✨ Jim Gaffigan (2014). Food: A Love Story, p.97, Crown Archetype317LoveThought
Jim GaffiganBut truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman … ▶273LifeThought
Jim GaffiganRaising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks. ✨ Jim Gaffigan (2013). Dad Is Fat, p.46, Crown Archetype328Philosophy
Jim GaffiganYeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food. ✨ Jim Gaffigan (2014). Food… ▶284LoveThought
Jim GaffiganLife is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re … ▶273HumanityLifeThought
Jim GaffiganHey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane. ✨ Twitter post from Dec 11, 20093310Humanity
Jim GaffiganYou wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.285Life
Jim GaffiganIt's so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass. ✨ FaceBook post byJim Gaffigan from Aug 26, 2011263Reading
Jim GaffiganYou know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?319Reading
Jim GaffiganIf camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house? ✨ Jim Gaffigan (2013). Dad Is Fat, p.258, Crown Archetype232Thought
Jim GaffiganBacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community. ✨ Jim Gaffigan (2014). Food: A Love Story, p.123, Crown Archetype221Love
Jim GaffiganIsn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.287Reading
Jim GaffiganWhat exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment? ✨ FaceBook post byJim Gaffigan from Sep 17, 2011244DeathReading
