Stephen ColbertHere's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, a… ▶371Humanity
Stephen ColbertIf we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?372HopeTime
Stephen ColbertThe summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.361Reading
Stephen ColbertIf Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.361Hope
Stephen ColbertWhen meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner. ✨ Twitter post from Apr 08, 2011372Truth
Stephen ColbertNC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ ✨ Twitter post from Jun 05, 2012<… ▶351Politics
Stephen ColbertLife is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel spe… ▶351HumanityLife
Stephen ColbertI like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and … ▶351HumanityPoliticsTime
Stephen ColbertMy character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.' ✨ Colbert spoofs cable news on Daily Show spinoff. … ▶351Reading
Stephen ColbertMy guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again. ✨ Twitter post from Nov 14, 2012341Politics
Stephen ColbertYou CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.374Time
Stephen ColbertRemember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.374Life
Stephen ColbertScience attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the g… ▶342Thought
Stephen ColbertIf anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. ✨ Stephen Col… ▶375Humor
Stephen ColbertCynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world b… ▶353Philosophy
Stephen ColbertThanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching f… ▶375LoveTime
Stephen ColbertI didn't realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful comedic choices. ✨ Jon Stewart On His Dail… ▶365Love
Stephen ColbertI gut check my show. I say, I say, Gut, gut, does that feel true to you? And Gut says, Yes it does, Stephen. Let's get a grilled cheese sandwich. ✨ Stephen Colbert tells Jak… ▶332Truth
Stephen ColbertAnd my daughter said, 'Why are you yelling at us?' and I said, 'I'm trying to discipline you!' And then she looked up at me with her tear-stained eyes and said, 'This is how you t… ▶343HumorLifePolitics
Stephen ColbertWomen don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight o… ▶343Reflection
Stephen ColbertCan accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay.354Politics
Stephen ColbertI'll make fun of anybody. We're all about falling down and going boom on camera.333Time
Stephen ColbertI'm getting angry at liberals.344Humanity
Stephen Colbert(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock344Thought
Stephen ColbertI love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?377Love
Stephen ColbertGive a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.333Reflection
Stephen ColbertIf Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble. ✨ Stephen Colbert to Fordham University students: 'I love my church'. www.foxnews.com. September 15, … ▶333HumorLove
Stephen ColbertAny religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.323Hope
Stephen ColbertSpeak from the balls, not from the diaphram. ✨ Be an expert on anything by Stephen Colbert, www.wired.com. August 1, 2006.345Life
Stephen ColbertI know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of… ▶356HumanityReflectionThought
