Emo PhilipsI pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord… ▶341HopeLovePolitics
Emo PhilipsMy jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. ✨ If you enjoyed those 'Peter Kay' one-line… ▶353Humor
Emo PhilipsI ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'376Humor
Emo PhilipsAt my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.354Humor
Emo PhilipsWhen I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.321Thought
Emo PhilipsI go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.333Reading
Emo PhilipsI got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, I'm going to mop the floor with your face. I said, You'll be sorry. He said, Oh, yeah? Why? I said, Well, how are you… ▶301Time
Emo PhilipsWhen I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them. ✨ E=MO2. Album by Emo Philips, 1985.334Hope
Emo PhilipsWhen I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.346Time
Emo PhilipsWell, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy. ✨ E=MO². Comedy Album, 1985.368Humor
Emo PhilipsI got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.369Truth
Emo PhilipsPeople come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. ✨ E=MO². Comedy album, 1985.347HumanityHumor
Emo PhilipsI was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.293Politics
Emo PhilipsI caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two! ✨ 75 Funniest Jokes of All Time. GQ Magazine, June 1999.3610HumorTime
Emo PhilipsAlways remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' ✨ E=MO². Album by Emo Philips, 1985.326Reflection
Emo PhilipsI'm a great lover, I'll bet. ✨ If you enjoyed those 'Peter Kay' one-liners in your inbox, they were probably written by Emo Philips by James Kettle, www.theguardia… ▶282Love
Emo PhilipsI was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I… ▶337HumorThought
Emo PhilipsI like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.348Politics
Emo PhilipsI once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a z… ▶295DeathSadness
Emo PhilipsYou know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. ✨ E=MO². Comedy Album, 1985.262Humor
Emo PhilipsI tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?295Life
Emo PhilipsI'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint. ✨ Twitter post from Mar 31, 2010317Time
Emo PhilipsI'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.319Life
Emo PhilipsI was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag o… ▶253Time
Emo PhilipsI was the kid next door's imaginary friend.308Time
Emo PhilipsI was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.211Love
Emo PhilipsThe American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.3010Politics
Emo PhilipsMy girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.222Reflection
Emo PhilipsI'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?211Life
Emo PhilipsI picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them. ✨ Fringe names best and worst festival jokes by Christian Tobin, www.digitalspy.com. August 23, 2010.255Humor
