He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster site…

Emo Philips
66 citations
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Death
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets. ✨ E=MO². Comedy album, 1985.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two! ✨ 75 Funniest Jokes of All Time. GQ Magazine, June 1999.

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