Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.
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- I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed. ✨ George Carlin (1998). Brain Droppings, Hyperion
- For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. ✨ Las Vegas CityLife, August 09, 2007.
- Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
- One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict. ✨ George Carlin (1998). Brain Droppings, Hyperion
- Israeli murderers are called commandos, Arab commandos are called terrorists. ✨ George Carlin (2002). Napalm & Silly Putty, Hyperion
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