Steven WrightIf Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?371Thought
Steven WrightWhen I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.371Death
Steven WrightWhen I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'361Humor
Steven WrightSorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.361ThoughtTime
Steven WrightChildhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'362Reading
Steven WrightOnly one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.351HumanityHumor
Steven WrightIf everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.362Reflection
Steven WrightIf the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?362Reflection
Steven WrightIf you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?374Humanity
Steven WrightA lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. ✨ Steven Wright Special. Comedy, 1985.374HumanityHumor
Steven WrightTwo babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coinci… ▶352DeathThought
Steven WrightSometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'364DeathTime
Steven WrightI didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.331Politics
Steven WrightIf I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.331Death
Steven WrightI wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.364Reading
Steven WrightEagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.353Death
Steven WrightWhy is a carrot more orange than an orange?331Politics
Steven WrightIt doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.376Time
Steven WrightI saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.332Truth
Steven WrightI got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.321Humor
Steven WrightWhen I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks … ▶366HumorThought
Steven WrightWhen I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.333Sadness
Steven WrightIf you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?366Philosophy
Steven WrightI poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.355Life
Steven WrightIn Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.311Reflection
Steven WrightWhen I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.344Death
Steven WrightI put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.322Time
Steven WrightI'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.344Reading
Steven WrightWhy are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?322Reflection
Steven WrightI bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add. ✨ Steven Wright Special. Comedy, 1985.377Humor
