Henny YoungmanMy wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.371Sadness
Henny YoungmanWhy are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!373Hope
Henny YoungmanWhen you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.341Love
Henny YoungmanYou know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.364Reflection
Henny YoungmanI'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.332HumorPolitics
Henny YoungmanSomeone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did333Politics
Henny YoungmanI've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.333Death
Henny YoungmanI bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where's the car? She said, In the lake.366Love
Henny YoungmanYou have a nice personality, but not for a human being. ✨ Henny Youngman (1994). Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks, Outlet334HumanityHumor
Henny YoungmanWhat is a home without children? Quiet. ✨ Henny Youngman (1994). Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks, Outlet367Humor
Henny YoungmanThe usual way - a little wine, a little dinner.345Time
Henny YoungmanHe doesn't get ulcers - he gives them. ✨ Henny Youngman (1994). Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks, Outlet312Humor
Henny YoungmanWe were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.312Love
Henny YoungmanThat was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!368Time
Henny YoungmanA Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.335Truth
Henny YoungmanWhat's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.368Love
Henny YoungmanA baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.292Hope
Henny YoungmanThis man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!369Life
Henny YoungmanI wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.304Politics
Henny YoungmanShe's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.304Love
Henny YoungmanWhy don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.348Hope
Henny YoungmanA doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.282Philosophy
Henny YoungmanLet's get up here before we get killed!326Hope
Henny YoungmanMy other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.261DeathPoliticsTime
Henny YoungmanWhen I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.3510Time
Henny YoungmanI own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.317Reading
Henny YoungmanMy wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.339Thought
Henny YoungmanI take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. ✨ The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America. Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.339PoliticsReading
Henny YoungmanI once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. ✨ Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.328Philosophy
Henny YoungmanOn dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?306Hope
